i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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