I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
