u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
