I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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