You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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