his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
