I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
