Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize