I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
