she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
