Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
