Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
