this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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