This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
