my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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