Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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