The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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