ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
