Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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