He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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