1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
