So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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