someone threw a dead crab at me
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
