I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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