we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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