i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize