I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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