my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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