you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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