I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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