I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Randomize
