its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
