I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
