Got a toothbrush?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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