I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
