I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
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