So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
