All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
