I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
