I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
