remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
