pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
