i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
