I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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