She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I party with great urgency now.
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