Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
