I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
