I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
