I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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