just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
