I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
