If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
