my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
