gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
