My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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