oh god the rape fog is back!
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
