your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
