I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
