Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
