she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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